This week I drove down to the South East (sarff eeast) to London (landin) to visit some friends. For security reasons, I can't state their names, mainly because it is possible that some amongst the literally thousands (millions possibly, the page counter's stopped working so WHO KNOWS) of you may harbour stalkerish thoughts, but more truthfully because the people reading this probably know them anyway.
Yah, no like, Totally
The timing of my London trip was excellent, as it falls in with one of our new Youtube sensations, VM Productions' Gap Yah. We all know the video, so I won't introduce it. On the second day of my stay in our High Wycome base camp (steady, stalkers), we went to the much maligned (and hereafter infamous, I hope) Henley Royal Regatta. For those who do not know, this is a 5-day outdoor event encompassed around many individually classed amateur rowing races. The Regatta's website, http://www.hrr.co.uk/, informs us of this fact. It also boas - states that the Regatta costs "over £2 million a year", has bought Temple Island, and 'acquired' (taken) land on the Buckinghamshire bank of the river. How commendable. At this point you may be detecting a portion of sarcasm (what? Really?) in these words. There is no mistake.
I've no problem with the rowing, the Lamborghinis or any other anchors of the continuing 'class war' ever-present in modern society. It's just, well, what are those straw hats and coloured blazers all about? Actually, the clothes are alright as well. I suppose. I would argue then that this is the common outcome of any modern-day rant towards the upper class - what is it that makes them so unbearably annoying? Is it one reason? Is it many? Is there a way to chronologise them? Of course there is. I know what you're thinking, and yes, it's another countdown list. Sorry in advance for any offense this may (probably will) cause. As you will see not least from the title, this time I've tried to make it as uncontroversial as possible.
Eight Things Everyone Hates About the Upper Class
8. They cannot behave in public. Their social skills are usually poor, especially when communicating with people of 'lesser' stature, eg. hairdressers
7. They tend to be pretty arrogant, in terms of their perceived place amongst the other people they have to unfortuneately share the world with (namely, us).
6. They breed horses. For fun.
5. Too. Much. Money! Stop buying mozaic floor patterns for your swimming pools and extensions to put on your 'land'. Actually, stop with land stuff altogether. NOBODY BUYS LAND ANYMORE!
4. Their lives, that's to say money, is hereditory. Which is a massive kick in the teeth for the hard-working House and Garden Staff, I can tell you. Also, little Cecil and Pandora don't have to get proper 'jobs' when they grow up (oh perish the thought, mother!), because daddy's legacy (not daddy's actually, because he got it from his dad, who may have been murdered by the way, although that might not be true...) will pay their way their whole lives.
3. They're so cliquey! There's only one thing worse than a posh person, and that's two posh people. Worse than two is three, and worse than three is four and so on. I see a trend developing...
2. Contrary to what was said earlier, their dress sense does often twang. Those boating hats are frankly ridiculous and the multicoloured jackets look like the whole lot of them got their clothes tailored at Hansel and Gretels' house, using 'natural' materials.
1. Accent. Seriously, what is that all about? Stop pronouncing words wierdly. And stop scoffing! And putting overly-exaggerated breaks and downward inflections in sentences. I actually heard one guy going "yah, and then I was like 'oops, Guilty. As. Charged!'" What a noob.
I suppose it is testiment to my earlier point that I had to write a list of 8, since I couldn't really think of 10 reasons. I suppose this just angers us more, because we know that really these people are probably more deserving of pity rather than hatred. It's probably just jealousy. Definately we were jealous at the Regatta when we didn't have Enclosure (what are you, sheep?) Passes, so had to make do with skulking on the rubbish part of the river, up to our necks in nettles and cholera.
Didn't even see a bloody boat race.
What a great place London is. Massive, but at the same time seperated and diverse. To tell you the truth, we just went there to party, so there's no point going into it in great detail. Probably the most notable observation was that we somehow managed to drop about 5 classes in 2 hours. It was great, home sweet home, back amongst those who accepted us. The club we went to certainly didn't have an 'enclosure', unless you count the smoking area 'round the back. Not a pipe in sight though. I should really follow this up with a more detailed account of our nuit blanche complete with the 1.5 hour early morning (Night)bus road trip across central London. But that class rant episode has warn me out.
So that pretty much wraps it up for this week. Well, this time. I don't want to trick myself into having to post this weekly now that I've got copious amounts of free time on my unemployed hands...I've decided to start a new feature, which so far doesn't have a name. 'This week, I have enjoyed...' doesn't really have much of a snap to it, but it's 00:54 in the morning and I've been up for ages writing this. The things I do for you. Therefore it is in the temporary absence of a better name, that I give you
This week, I have enjoyed...
- Welcome Break Radio
- The wonders of Sat Nav
- 5 Alive
Excellent. Feel free to discuss all these in the comments below, or alternatively at home or school with your friends.
Make sure you tell them where you got it from though.